Help! I have a leopard print issue.

Call me old fashioned, call me muddle headed but I need your help.

What’s with the leopard print pump? Like the 'classic trench’ (see previous post) the leopard print pump appears on so many must have lists that we are all in danger of looking like a guerrilla (gorilla?) army if we all ran out and bought a pair and wore them at once. Isaac Mizrahi in ‘How to Have Style’ says the leopard print pump is as essential as the black pump and the Mary Jane.

Now I don’t wish to offend, but to me they kinda look cheap. Not exactly street-walking cheap, but sheesh, not a good look. I just don’t wanna look like Pamela Anderson (god love her and I do too) when I step out the door in the morning to go to work.

And what do you wear your leopard print pumps with? If you wear all black, surely a black shoe would be better? A all white pant suit? Head to toe animal prints? I am soooo confused. And in the winter months, what tights? Surely not black?

But I am lost. Help me here. I'm all ears!!!!! Are they really attractive? Or do you really look like a hooker when you wear them?

The classic trench - are you kidding me?

Why is that every fashion guru - from Tim Gunn to Isaac Mizrahi (and I do love both those gentlemen to bits) always say, "Ladies, your wardrobe needs a classic trench!" ?

Now firstly, there's the very obvious point that if we all put on our classic trenches we would look like something out of Children of the Corn or a sci-fi plot set in the not-to-distant future when we all wear uniforms and bad bowl hair cuts.

White shirts? Yes. Black trousers? Sure. Black skirt? Got it. LBD? Couldn't live without it. Classic trench? Give me a break.

This trench does not suit everyone and beige can positively be deathly to people of a certain coloring. Pale with dark hair - forget it. Pale with blond hair - not so great either.

And the trench might look divine of Kate, Christy, Agyness or Irina (by the way doncha love Irina?). For someone not like a tent pole there are no favors at all. Can we drop the charade of the classic trench? Please?